Arms of an angel

12 years. 12 freaking years since I last saw your face. Since I last heard you speak. Since I saw your beautiful and oh so sweet smile. God I miss you. I miss wrestling with you, listening to lots of loud music, and even your crazy driving. I miss your laugh. I miss the way it felt for you to be around. I MISS YOU. It still hurts me to know that I won't see you walking into the room with a bag of candy for all of us kids to eat. I half expect you to show up at my doorstep and kick me out of my room. I loved it when you visited. You were always so much fun ( and when you were around, you were the boss) You had mom wrapped around your finger. You were her baby brother. She could never say no to you.

I love you so much. My heart aches every time I think of you. I feel as though this will never change. You changed my life, and for that I thank you. But just so you know, when we meet again I will first love you like you wouldn't believe and then I will kick your ass.

With all of my heart and soul,

Your favorite niece.

Life.. or something like it.

I can't believe it's already November. I feel as though the months are whizzing by. Normally, I really enjoy November and December because I love to cook Thanksgiving dinner and spend time with my family. I love to bake 20 different types of cookies and hand out cookie baskets to everyone I know. Normally, I love these things. Right now however, I do not. I don't feel like putting a smile on my face and entertaining everyone else, when in reality all I can think about is how shitty some people are. Or how I can't stand the sight of someone. Or how instead of making stupid chit chat smalltalk, I would rather be sticking needles into my eye. For some reason, I am just not up to it this year. I don't want to deal with it. I want to simply curl into a ball, climb into bed, and sleep through the holiday season. That is how I want to spend the next couple of months. I'll hibernate until January. See you then.

Plans

I have decided to apply to a Cultural Ambassadors program to teach English in Spain for a year. I honestly think my time in Europe is not over. Every single day I have a gut feeling that I need to go back. Not just that I want to go back, but that I NEED to go back. I really hope I get it. This will not only give me the direction that I need, but also will provide me with the adventure I crave!

http://www.mec.es/sgci/usa/en/programs/us_assistants/default.shtml

Work

Well, my job that I have been working for the last four years is now officially done and over with. It's kind of sad :( This was my last tie to my college life. I worked until the final day I was allowed to. However, now I am working at a different cafe on campus as a temp. Let me tell you I hate my life.

If you want to leave work every day with the feeling that you want to punch a baby, then this is the job for you. The problem is that there are too many cooks in the kitchen. One person will tell you to do it this way, and then three more people will come behind and tell you to do it a different way. Then by the time you are actually doing it then you are so freaking confused as to how to do it that it takes forever.

I can't wait until I can once again get paid to sit on facebook, text my friends, msn and skype people. Ahh.. man how I dream everyday of things I cannot yet have. haha.

WEll, that's all for now. I'll update you on my work antics soon. muaaaaa

Clarification

Ok, so I don' really know who reads these, but for those of you that do, here are a few clarifications/facts about my life right now.

NO- I am NOT myself. I have been working a ridiculous number of hours. I am cranky ( in all honesty, it is inevitable) I worked 140 hours on one two week pay period.. Unfortunately you'll have to deal with it. I promise I'll try to not be cranky, but sometimes it just happens.

NO- I am NOT depressed. Some may think that I am "Debbie Downer" or "Negative Nancy" However, you have to look at things from my point of view right now. My job is finished in 3 weeks. After the next 3 weeks I have zero idea as to what direction my life is going. Obviously part of me is excited about the possibilities that are out there. BUT- if you think about the person that I am and always have been then this will make a lot of sense to you. When I was younger I always knew my plan was going to be to go to college. So I worked my ass off to get to UW. When I went to UW, I knew I wanted to major in Business. So I worked my ass off to get into the Business School. When I got into the Business School, I knew I wanted to study abroad in Spain. Therefore I worked my ass off to get into a program to study abroad in Spain. When I came back, I knew I wanted to graduate so I worked my ass off and graduated.

NOW? I have zero clue as to what is going to happen! I have a ton of ideas/dreams however I don't yet know how I'm going to make them happen and I don't know how my bills are gonna get paid in the meantime. It's stressing me out, but I'm not depressed.

If it seems like I'm upset or depressed, it's because at every point in time my mind is swirling with a million different ideas/worries/thoughts/ dreams. I have so many things that I want to do and experience that I am simply trying to figure out how to make that happen. But rest assure, once I come up with a plan, I WILL MAKE IT HAPPEN.

So please, for now just bear with me.

Also, for those of you that know me, You should realize that I need adventure. I need to find something that is going to make me feel like I am living my life to the fullest. I need to find something that is different, or exciting. So if I move away for awhile, it's not because I'm running from my life here or because I don't love my family and friends here. If I go somewhere else for awhile it's because I need to experience something different. Some of you may think that Spain has already been done, however there is STILL so so much that I want to do abroad that I think the best thing for me to do is to do it now while I still can. Before I get tied down with a ton of responsibilities and other stuff.

I need to LIVE MY LIFE. I need to EXPERIENCE WHAT IT IS TO BE ME. I need to EXPAND MY HORIZONS and GROW AS A PERSON.

Let me Grow. Let me do the things I wanna do. Let me live my life the way I deserve to live it and experience everything that I deserve to experience.

But anyway- don't worry about me. Even though I am stressed out and am clearly not myself, I am fine. I will be fine. Just continue to show me your support and love me and I will get through this patch of uncertainty and I will not only survive, but I will THRIVE.

Unsure

Does anyone fully realize just how much it sucks to go from feeling like you have all the opportunities in the world to realizing that you have absolutely zilch available to you? That's how I feel right now. I feel like there are so many things I wanna do, but I have debt hanging over me and I don't have the money to start anything new.

I have found a couple of programs that I am extremely interested in, but I don't yet have the means to partake in any of them. I just have to believe that I will make it happen one day. It may not be today, or tomorrow. However, one day I will get to do all the things I want to do now but cannot afford.

Life

As of right now, I have no plans for life. For the first time ever I am at a complete square zero. I can't even really say square 1 because that would imply I have some inkling as to what my next move will be. While I can't sit here and map out the rest of my life ( which you all know is KILLING me right now) I decided to write a list of things I do know that I want in life. Even though I don't know when/ how I am going to get them, I know I want them. For now, that'll have to do.....

1. A job in Europe
2. Skydiving
3. Learn to Salsa dance
4. True Love
5. Nieces and Nephews (but I'm willing to wait for awhile on that!)
6. Laughter. Lots and Lots of Laughter!
7. To be a bridesmaid
8. To set foot in every continent.
9. Swim in the Coral Reef.
10. To make a difference in someone else's life.
11. Dance in the rain.
12.To die knowing that I lived life to the fullest.

This may not seem like much to a lot of people, however for me it's my current "plan." In the absence of a real plan, this will have to do.